Family

Ah the politics of family....

As the holidays approach I feel two things: 1. so very excited because Christmas is and always has been my favorite time of year and 2. annoyed by the obligation to go visit my extended family, most of whom I don't speak to on a regular basis.

I come from a moderately-sized family. I have only sisters and have a great relationship with them (mostly). I have a large extended family and a slew of cousins, most of whom sadly, I dislike. My parents were married for over 25 years, then divorced. Mom is dramatic and sensitive, but I love her. Dad is an alcoholic, but when sober (which is less and less these days) is wonderful.

We live a good distance away from our hometown, where the vast majority of my family is located. This is good because I don't really feel tons of pressure to attend every little thing. But we typically try to make it home for the holidays, and yes there is some pressure felt there. However, this year I pulled the pregnancy card (I am very close to having a baby and even if I really, really liked all of my family I still would have opted out because of it).

I have to admit that I am not the least bit sad that I will be missing Christmas with the extended family. Especially my Mom's family.

Once upon a time I used to be very close with Mom's family. I remember as children my cousins and I were the best of pals. Especially one in particular, Mischa. Our mom's are sisters and she and I are only a few months apart in age. We always looked forward to hanging out during every holiday and family gathering. We were mostly inseparable. We were also pen-pals (before email existed) during elementary school and junior high. In high school things began to change....or rather, we began to change. We took a trip to Europe in college together and saw those vast changes first hand. She was miss perfection and always came across as such. Happy family life, parents paid her way through college and she had it very easy. Whereas I was the daughter of an alcoholic (she always made me feel like less because of this, as if I had any control in the matter...), unstable home life, paying my way through college working 2 jobs, a bit rebellious and yes, probably a little jealous of her perfect world. We had different ideas about life and different experiences with it. Today, there is hardly a relationship. And we certainly are not friends.

In fact, for the past several years when there is a family gathering or holiday to celebrate there is such a segregation at Grandma's house. My sisters and I (along with our husbands) all sit with the family and try to visit with them but its awkward and un-reciprocated. We end up together in our own familiar cluster while the rest of the family visits with each other. We aren't included.

Black sheep.

Its hard to describe. But as a result of the lack of friendliness, us sisters try to get out of going to Grandma's house for the holidays every year.

I have never spoken to anyone (except my sisters and husband) about this. I wonder what they would think if we actually told them how we feel? I wonder how they feel?

I dislike my own family. And they dislike me.

Its pretty sad, but common enough I guess. Deep down though I wish that it was like it once was. I wish that there had never been a divide, whatever it was, because I really don't know.