A Little Romance Would be Nice

My biggest irritation about being married?

The lack of romance.

Gone are the days of spontaneity, fore-thought, flowers for no reason, effort.

I miss it.

*sigh*

My Nemesis

We attend a very large church in our area. A mega-church, if you will, with over 6,000 people in attendance every weekend. Its a really healthy forward-thinking church despite some things we disagree with.

Almost all of our friends attend our church and we are pretty active members.

But there is this one woman in particular who really irritates me.

Think back to high school. Remember the head of the cheerleading squad who wasn't extremely beautiful, but had money and style and status and personality and that made her appear to be a goddess? Remember how everyone liked her and even those that hated her longed for her acceptance?

Let me introduce you to My Nemesis (thats what I call her to my husband).

Her husband is on staff and she is the church diva. When we first moved to this area and began attending this church I, being the outgoing social creature that I am, really wanted to meet and connect with other women my age. I met her the second time we were at church. I told her I wanted to get connected and wanted to join a women's group or a mom's group. So I joined a mom's Bible study. My Nemesis lead it and from the get go I could tell she did not like me.

I had no idea why... I had never been rude to her. I didn't even know her.

But I figured that in some small way I must have intimidated her. Was it because I was getting very involved quickly? Was it because I am nearly 10 years younger and attractive? Outgoing and unafraid to meet new people and encounter new experiences? Did I remind her of herself and therefore become competition?

Although all the other ladies in the group were very nice (albeit, a tad too materialistic), another attendee and myself started our own Bible study, which I still lead 3 years later.

My Nemesis and I move within the same circles. We share friends and so from time to time we are at the same birthday parties, social events, etc. The strange thing is that at these events we always end up talking and I find myself intrigued by her. She seems like such a good mom and Christian. We have very similar interests and tastes. I could see her mentoring me in some capacity had circumstances been different (like if she actually liked me).

Except that I get the very strong impression that she loathes me. When our paths cross at church, she looks the other way and rarely says hi. If she does happen to say hi, there is a rude undertone to her voice, an irritation at the fact that she ran into and has to be polite.

I think this bothers me so much because I have never had someone not like me, just because. Usually you make that decision after you've gotten to know someone. And believe me, I've had plenty of people not like me for valid reasons. But she doesn't even know me.

Am I alone here? Does anyone else share in my experiences?

Family

Ah the politics of family....

As the holidays approach I feel two things: 1. so very excited because Christmas is and always has been my favorite time of year and 2. annoyed by the obligation to go visit my extended family, most of whom I don't speak to on a regular basis.

I come from a moderately-sized family. I have only sisters and have a great relationship with them (mostly). I have a large extended family and a slew of cousins, most of whom sadly, I dislike. My parents were married for over 25 years, then divorced. Mom is dramatic and sensitive, but I love her. Dad is an alcoholic, but when sober (which is less and less these days) is wonderful.

We live a good distance away from our hometown, where the vast majority of my family is located. This is good because I don't really feel tons of pressure to attend every little thing. But we typically try to make it home for the holidays, and yes there is some pressure felt there. However, this year I pulled the pregnancy card (I am very close to having a baby and even if I really, really liked all of my family I still would have opted out because of it).

I have to admit that I am not the least bit sad that I will be missing Christmas with the extended family. Especially my Mom's family.

Once upon a time I used to be very close with Mom's family. I remember as children my cousins and I were the best of pals. Especially one in particular, Mischa. Our mom's are sisters and she and I are only a few months apart in age. We always looked forward to hanging out during every holiday and family gathering. We were mostly inseparable. We were also pen-pals (before email existed) during elementary school and junior high. In high school things began to change....or rather, we began to change. We took a trip to Europe in college together and saw those vast changes first hand. She was miss perfection and always came across as such. Happy family life, parents paid her way through college and she had it very easy. Whereas I was the daughter of an alcoholic (she always made me feel like less because of this, as if I had any control in the matter...), unstable home life, paying my way through college working 2 jobs, a bit rebellious and yes, probably a little jealous of her perfect world. We had different ideas about life and different experiences with it. Today, there is hardly a relationship. And we certainly are not friends.

In fact, for the past several years when there is a family gathering or holiday to celebrate there is such a segregation at Grandma's house. My sisters and I (along with our husbands) all sit with the family and try to visit with them but its awkward and un-reciprocated. We end up together in our own familiar cluster while the rest of the family visits with each other. We aren't included.

Black sheep.

Its hard to describe. But as a result of the lack of friendliness, us sisters try to get out of going to Grandma's house for the holidays every year.

I have never spoken to anyone (except my sisters and husband) about this. I wonder what they would think if we actually told them how we feel? I wonder how they feel?

I dislike my own family. And they dislike me.

Its pretty sad, but common enough I guess. Deep down though I wish that it was like it once was. I wish that there had never been a divide, whatever it was, because I really don't know.

Enough

This is not my only blog.

I have a very PC blog that I share with friends and family.

Posts are mostly about my family's latest news: updates on my kids, the latest holiday celebrated or birthday parties we've attended, church, etc. I never vent and every post has a pleasant undertone so as not to offend anyone.

But at some point, enough is enough.

I have had enough of the niceties, the pleasantries, the politically correctness (probably especially the politically correctness).

If we are all honest with ourselves, life is just not always perfect and happy and complete.

About me:

I am in my late 20's, a mother of two with one more due in weeks.

I am married, own a business, run my home.

I am busy and rarely have time to upload pictures from my camera let alone complete a photo album or scrapbook.

I have a dog, a cat, a fish, and live in a suburb of a major city.

I love the arts: music, theatre, film and used to dream of being an actress.

I am a Christian and despite the stigma of perfection that society casts on Christians, I do complain, judge, cuss, and tell the occasional lie to get out of watching my friends kids (who I really can't stand).

I am organized and was once called Bree Van De Kamp because I like my house clean and tidy. It wasn't meant to be a compliment but I secretly took it as one.

If I won the lottery, the first thing that I would do would not be to donate to my favorite charity or tithe the 10% my church mandates monthly (and yes, thats a whole other topic). No, I would fly on a private jet to somewhere beautiful and far, I would stay in the most expensive and beautiful hotel, I would eat the most delicious organic food and drink the most elegant wine and I would love every minute of it.

Then I would come home and give to my charity and my church.

So yeah, I'm a bit selfish.

But you would never know.

Because that is not the me that everyone else sees. Because there are always so many pretenses. Because if I really said what I thought sometimes I would most definitely be blacklisted from more than a few social gathering and holiday parties.

And that is why I've started this blog. As a personal release of the irritations I regularly feel.

Whether you like it or not.